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In the long history of MAD, there have been a lot of practical jokes & pranks played by MAD guys upon each other, office staffers, even complete strangers. There was MAD Publisher Bill Gaines pretending to be his own evil twin-brother back in the 60s; the entire MAD group on a MAD Trip to Haiti (I think) showing up, unannounced, to beg the lone Haitian subscriber to renew his subscription;  the famous recreation of the stateroom scene from the Marx Brothers’ “Night at the Opera” for the sole benefit of Gaines (on this very same Bermuda Cruise) and many others. [BTW: If you're curious about these or other MAD-insider tales and haven't already done so, check out the excellent books by MAD writers Frank Jacobs (1972) and Dick DeBartolo (1994)]

But, to me, the greatest (and surely longest-running) MAD practical joke involved the aforementioned intern-turned-staffer Andrew Schwartzberg - starring as “The Butt of the Joke” – and a vital sub-chapter of it transpired on this 1991 MAD Cruise to Bermuda.

First, the back-story: As some MAD readers know, there have been lots of pseudonyms used as writer and artist bylines in the magazine, for various reasons. One such pseudonym is J. Prete – who is actually one of the MAD staffers (I won’t say which, in case he plans on being pseudonymous again). Everyone in the MAD offices knew J. Prete was a fictitious name — that is, everyone except for the new guy, Andrew! One day, after several months of getting to meet or talk on the phone to most of the real MAD contributors, Andrew asked about Prete. Thus, a “fish” was born…and the guys played him hook, line & sinker, doing everything possible to make him believe there actually was a live human being named J. Prete…for several years!

In the beginning, they concocted fake cover letters from Prete that were then paper-clipped to his script-submissions making the rounds of the MAD office, being sure that Andrew got to read them. They enlisted the vocal services of someone outside the staff (unknown to Andrew) to make calls pretending to be Prete, even had him gradually build up a casual, passing relationship with Andrew via the phone. But the upcoming 1991 MAD Trip presented a golden opportunity to kick it up another notch or two.

By pure happenstance, there were going to be an odd number of smokers on the trip, and since I was an out-of-town Smoking contributor who hadn’t met Andrew (or Prete, of course)…I was elected “Prete’s roommate.” Months before the trip, the editors briefed me on the entire history of the hoax, and we drew up plans which included me “dressing up” the empty half of my double-occupancy cabin to make it look, uh, “Prete-occupied.”

Once on the cruise ship for the trip itself, I unpacked my extra suitcase and stuffed the extra shoes & clothes I’d brought along into Prete’s side of the cabin. I messed up his bed. On “his” little desk & nightstand, I set out: a half-written postcard and pen; an almost-empty beer can (with spilled-beer rings nearby – Prete was obviously a slob!) – even a pack of a different brand of cigarettes from my own, with several “pre-smoked” butts in the ashtray. My favorite “touch” – made possible by a call from Andrew’s (real) roommate down the hall telling me he was on his way – was to have a fresh one of Prete’s cigarettes lit and still burning away in the ashtray. When Andrew came and asked for Prete, I had my toothbrush in hand and pretended to have been in the bathroom; I invited him in and acted surprised when Prete wasn’t there in the middle of my just-created stage-set, smoking and finishing up his postcard. “Hmm. Well, he was here — I was just talking to him. [theatrical head-scratch] He must’ve just went to one of the other guys’ rooms.” I chatted with Andrew for a few minutes (“Oh, yeah – Prete was saying he was looking forward to finally meeting you.”); and he gave up on waiting and asked me to tell Prete that he stopped by.

Since most (or all) of the other MAD trippers knew about this hoax, they were prepared to say they either had or had not seen Prete whenever Andrew brought up his name. Some even had elaborate stories about what they and Prete had done together while on the ship or the island of Bermuda.

But it was Bill Gaines himself who delivered the coup de gras, the piece de resistance: At the first dinner on board ship after departing Bermuda (before Andrew had much of a chance to start getting suspicious about still not having met up with Prete) a headwaiter strode officiously to the table occupied by Bill (and, 2 chairs away from him by prearrangement months earlier, Andrew). The Best-Supporting-Actor/headwaiter presented Bill a folded piece of paper on little silver platter. He took it and pretended to read it, then exploded in a snarling, table-pounding mock rage: “Goddammit!!! That son of a bitch Prete missed the boat!!! If that shithead thinks I’m paying for his goddamn plane ride back to New York, he’s out of his fucking mind!” It was a magnificent acting performance! And it cemented the concept of the actual existence of Prete into Andrew’s mind, for future episodes of the prank….which, according to Andrew, included a climactic appearance by the “Prete-pretender” in the MAD offices at 485 Madison, yelling and screaming about suing the magazine over something Andrew had done to one of his articles. (Don’t worry: Andrew was quickly “backed away from the window ledge,” so to speak.)

It wasn’t until after Andrew left MAD, and moved out here to Arizona to attend college, that he finally learned of the NON-existence of J. Prete, and the elaborate “punking” of him…from my stepfather Bob, who had heard all the stories and, one holiday gathering, couldn’t resist spilling the beans. Oh, well.

Actually, Andrew told me he had already had his suspicions earlier – but the beauty of this particular hoax (besides its @ 4-year duration!) was that there was always enough “evidence” to make it believable AND to make disbelief of it seem unreasonable. Think about it: when was Andrew supposed to have given in to his suspicions: when listening to the legendary Al Jaffee talk about his bar-hopping with Prete? Or Sergio Aragones recounting how he and Prete went snorkeling yesterday? Or when a “real” Prete was standing right in front him, threatening to sue his employer over something he had done?

Andrew has continued to do some writing for MAD, and remained friendly with the guys in the MAD offices, visiting them when he’s back in New York. And I’m pretty sure that he’s come to recognize it was actually kind of FLATTERING — all the sustained effort all those people they put in over the years, just to “trick” little old him. But it wouldn’t surprise me if, somewhere, deep down inside…he’d still like to kill them.

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There was an interesting poll released the other day by Rasmussen Reports (generally considered one of the more accurate polling firms, especially on the days they show your candidate leading) that finds Republican Vice-Presidential nominee Sarah Palin is viewed “positively” by 52% of all women and 65% of all men! I understand the first figure (women split evenly), but that latter figure was kind of puzzling. Until I saw this pic that’s been landing on sites all over the Internet for several days. Now I know exactly what accounts for the gender-disparity: She represents lots of guys’ Ultimate Fantasy: a hunting & fishing buddy you can have sex with, without going into “Brokeback Mountain” terrority! (not that there’s anything wrong with that.)

(BTW: Before any of you fellas get too excited and rush out to switch party registration or something…this “NRA Sarah“-pic is somebody’s Photoshop job. Even so, just the fact that lots of people think it could really be her tells me one thing: if the Vice-Presidential Debate committee decides to go with a Swimsuit Competition…Joe Biden is TOAST!)

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There was a very curious thing in the July 2008 (#491) issue of MAD that I’ve been meaning to write about, because it just struck me as particularly emblematic of “What’s wrong with MAD — Chapter VII: Why hasn’t MAD changed that much over the years?” It’s a piece entitled “G*d Damn America” [not a typo] – a lyrical lampoon of Barack Obama’s “Rev. Wright problem” of several months back, written, to the tune of “God Bless America,” by MAD’s unparalleled comic-versifier Frank Jacobs (whom I’ve always suspected must be the reincarnated soul of W. S. Gilbert, I’m so jealous!). Anyway, the piece itself is actually quite good and succinct; the thing I find “curious,” as you may have guessed, is the asterisk in the word “God” in the title, and all other occurrences of the word in the text (a decision by the editors, not something Frank, or any writer, would’ve done!).

“G*d Damn America.” Hmmm.

Now, my own recollection of the Rev. Wright story first hitting the news earlier this year was that almost EVERY news outlet used the actual words “God Damn America” rather than MAD’s “self-censored” version with the asterisk…and a recent Google search confirms my recollection: only @ 360 hits for Rev. Wright & “G*d Damn” [or "G*d D*mn"] vs. 112,000 for Rev. Wright & “God Damn” (including not only EVERY mainstream media/web outlet, but nearly every traditionalist/conservative one such as National Review, Fox News Online, Christian Science Monitor, Pat Robertson’s CBN.com (!!!), and even the LDS-owned Deseret News).

Pardon my impertinence, but this raises several questions:

• Exactly who was MAD even aiming to “protect” with “G*d Damn”…when virtually all the mass media — including a Mormon newspaper in Salt Lake City! — had already used “God Damn”?
• Is there anyone over the age of “fetus” who is incapable of deciphering a lame attempt to disguise “God Damn” by replacing one letter with an asterisk?
• Can a magazine of Humor/Satire in 2008 America seriously claim any aspirations to “edginess” if its editors aren’t willing to go even “as far” as a news event it’s satirizing…OR 99.998% of the rest of the media?

Put your pencils down, you don’t need to answer those questions – they answer themselves. (I designed them that way myself. Hee hee.)

In my opinion, there are lots of reasons that MAD, despite sincere efforts, hasn’t really changed much over the years (And I’m talking REAL change, not just cosmetic design & layout changes; the kind of change where “The Simpsons” wouldn’t be able to keep making dead-on jokes about MAD’s dated and “softball” humor). In my opinion, this particular “G*d Damn”-case illustrates just a couple of the reasons:

1) the persistence of lots of seemingly random “over-sensitivities” & “sacred cows” among the editors — religion being only one of them. (Another example of oversensitivity to religion that springs to mind is how late MAD was to the “Pedophile Priest gag”-party (so to speak), and how little, if anything, they ultimately “contributed.” I personally know of 2 such premises – mine and another writer’s – rejected for the stated reason of not wanting to risk offending Catholics, rather than whether they were funny or not.)

2) the also-persistent MAD demographic of very young readers with parents constantly monitoring the “suitability” of MAD-content. Parents who like to deluge the MAD offices with outraged letters and threats to cancel subscriptions  — AND even some actual cancellations! Has that threat made MAD too “gun shy” about tackling truly “edgy” topics and transitioning to a more hard-hitting, “adult” style of humor? My vote is “Yes.” (Of course, all magazines have to be somewhat sensitive about possibly offending the paying customers; but, I’m sorry: I think that in this case, the MAD editors veered way, way, WAY off to the timid, “conservative”-side of the road — I mean, really: a humor magazine being more cautious about the words “God Damn” than the Christian Broadcasting Network’s website!? Good grief!)

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Regardless of who you’re voting for, or against – or even if you’re truly undecided — you have to admit that this year’s Presidential Campaign is shaping up to be the most exciting and interesting in decades! Between the two tickets, virtually every single demographic, wedge issue,  and “hot button” in American politics is represented in some way — leading to an explosion of all-new “splinter” political organizations and crossover voting groups…including these ones you may not have heard of yet:

• Moose Hunting Hockey Moms for McCain/Palin
• Multiracial Harvard Grads of Hawaii for Obama
• Hillary Supporters Begrudgingly for Obama
• Members of “Hillary Supporters Bedgrudgingly for Obama” Secretly Voting for Palin
• Members of “Old White Boy Network” Against BOTH Tickets
• Pregnant Teens for Bristol Palin’s Mom & the Old Guy
• “Hair Club for Men”-members for Biden
• Gangsta Rappers for Obama and the Honky
• Pro-Choice Libertarian Gun-Owning Working Mothers Confused as Hell about How to Vote
• Reporters in the Tank for Obama
• Octogenarians for That Young Whippersnapper McCain
• Republican Women with “Jungle Fever”
• Democratic Men who Wouldn’t Kick Sarah Palin Out of Bed for Eating Crackers
• “Community Organizers” for a Little Respect for Them, huh
• Hairdressers against Palin’s Hair
• Racists who REALLY Like Obama’s Energy Plan
• Entrenched Politicians Against “Change”

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I’m not one to put a lot of faith in Doomsday theories, but I like to keep up with cultural trends, etc…especially ones that conceivably involve the end of my world, and everyone else’s. You’d hate to be completely surprised by something like that.

The “hot” Doomsday theory the past few years is that the world ends in the year 2012 – on either Dec. 21 or 23, depending on which edition of the Ancient Mayan stone wall-calendar you happen to have. There’s even a big Hollywood movie coming out next year called “2012” – by the same creative team that brought you “Independence Day” and “The Day after Tomorrow,” so you know it’s going to be scientifically accurate.

I tend to discount this particular Doomsday theory, for a couple of reasons: 1) what expertise can we really attribute to the Mayans in the field of end-of-the-world prediction? Their “world” ended centuries ago! If they had been able to predict that one, they surely could’ve taken actions to avoid it; and 2) I think people today are “reading too much into” the fact that the Ancient Mayan calendar “ends” on Dec. 21 (or 23), 2012. There are plenty of alternate explanations: the stone-carver could’ve just plain run out of space…or decided to take a break, but then got unexpectedly killed in a game of Ancient Mayan Death Ball (look it up!)…or,  perhaps they were just waiting to see how that calendar “did” before they committed to starting on the next one. You never know.

So, I’m not too worried about 2012; besides, looking on the bright side: it’s still a couple years away — I could die of something entirely unrelated in that time!

But, there’s another Doomsday theory that’s a little more troubling, if only because it predicts the end of our world (plus maybe the solar system, the galaxy, or even the entire Universe!) — on September 10…which is next week! For those of you who haven’t heard (and boy, you’re lucky you stumbled onto this site now…before it’s too late!) here’s how this theory goes: See, there’s this thing in Europe called the Large Hadron Collider (LHC) that’s, like, the most powerful particle accelerator ever built, a massive 17-mile circular tunnel of powerful superconducting magnets designed to propel sub-atomic particles to almost the Speed of Light and then – BAM! - smash them together. Oh, and BTW: it’s supposed to (maybe) produce levels of energy and temperature not seen since microseconds after The Big Bang that created the Universe some 14 billion years ago. And this LHC is scheduled to be turned on for the first time…next Wednesday.

Some people foresee a problem with that. A group of anti-LHC scientists says, “Whoa! Hold on a sec, dudes! Are you sure that these Big Bang-type energies and temperatures aren’t going to create Big Bang-type conditions like, say, all matter collapsing into itself, or millions of microscopic black holes gobbling up the Earth, stuff like that?” And then the pro-LHC scientists — who are just ITCHING to finally get to “fire up the mother,” what with the zoning delays and all — basically shrug in response and say, “Probably not.”

I’m being facetious; actually, they wrote this big, long research paper with lots of numbers and equations and complex scientific terminology…which all boils down to “Probably not.”

But I wouldn’t worry about this one. The whole thing is in court right now…and even if worst comes to worst, it’s like the doctor always says: You won’t feel a thing!

Tags: Still more misc. // 1 Comment »

Well, it’s been 3 months since I started this here blog, so it’s probably time to revisit the topic of whether or not I am actually entitled to use the moniker “MAD’s Most Ostracized Writer.” When I last posted about it, the first week or so, my main evidence for The Ostracization was the complete silent treatment from all the MAD Editors — leading to suggestions from some commenters (“sock puppet” or otherwise) that the idea I was being ostracized was a figment of my imagination or a phony controversy pumped up out of nothing just to drive eyeballs to this site. (Man, it’s a tough Internet out there!). So let me bring you up to date with everything on the “persona non grata front,” and what makes me suspect they might be giving me the permanent cold shoulder:

• The Silent Treatment continues; since my emails informing all the MAD editors about this site 3 months ago, I still haven’t heard a single thing from them. (Which, come to think of it, is almost indistinguishable from the preceding several years of trying to write for them! BTW, fellas: I’m still awaiting word from you on at least 2 scripts from over 4 years ago. [The first sentence in parentheses is an exaggeration; the second is not.])
• My complementary advance copies of every issue of MAD, regularly mailed to me by the editorial offices since the early 1980s, suddenly stopped after the appearance of this blog. (So, now I’m having to do something I haven’t done in over a quarter century — gasp! — actually BUY my own MADs! I hope they appreciate my financial support!)
• An entire comment-thread about me and this site just up and disappeared from MAD’s own message boards at madmag.com. What are the odds? (They acknowledge that it’s totally gone, but deny having anything to do with it. So, let’s wish them good luck on their O.J. Simpson-like search for “the real censors!”)
• Second-hand accounts of what the editors have actually said and done, RE: me & this blog — which I can’t be more specific about without tipping off the identities my sources, who still have to work with/for them. (Sorry if this seems like a “weasel-out” — but in my mind, these accounts leave NO doubt whatsoever, even absent the other things above.)

So, there it is. Unless somebody can come up with a benign explanation for the totality of the above…or another member of the Usual Gang finds a way to get The Boys even more riled up at them…then I’m sticking with my “Most Ostracized Writer!” It’s mine. I earned it. I’m keeping it.

UPDATE 9/16/08: In addition to the 4 things listed above, in the Fundalini section of MAD #494, they have a new installment of “my” long-running feature, “Celebrity Cause-of-Death Betting Odds” written by someone else (I’m guessing one of the editors). Now, they’re legally entitled to do that — they buy ALL rights to everything! — but there’s always been an unspoken (and unbroken, until now) MAD Rule that whoever originates a premise or concept gets “first dibs” on writing all future episodes of that concept. So, at least part of their running a new installment of “my” feature, not written by me, at this particular time…is their sending me a little passive-aggressive “message.” (Either that, or they imagine they’ve driven me to gnashing my teeth and calling a lawyer over the “lost” $150.00 micro-fee they’re paying for those tiny Fundalini pieces!)  Regardless of which it is…it still counts as “Ostracization”…so I’m finally having the business cards printed up, dang it!

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Andrew Schwartzberg is a bright young guy, and friend of mine, who first came to MAD @ 1990 as an intern; was then hired on staff (I believe the first intern ever); and has continued on as a sometime-contributor to the magazine on a freelance basis. His first MAD trip was the cruise to Bermuda in 1991 — a trip that Andrew can now laugh about, after the passage of time, and much therapy…

The first of Andrew’s “trials” during the cruise involved the ship’s Talent Contest. We talked him into entering as a stand-up comic; we would all write his routine for him; he would be the smash hit of the evening and the Toast of Lido Deck for, oh, at least a day and a half. Why Andrew? Some of us thought he had a vaguely Woody Allen-ish look and delivery — plus he was the junior person there; he had to do it!

The morning of the talent show, about a dozen of us writers and editors gathered at a big table on the open-air deck and, in the space of a couple hours, wrote Andrew a killer 5-minute routine. (Certainly the cheapest professionally written comedy routine in the History of Show Biz., whether on land or at sea!)  My favorite joke one of the editors came up with: “I was just playing Blackjack in the ship’s casino. I don’t want to say they’re dealing from the bottom of the deck, but I think I saw barnacles on my 7 of Spades!” (Of course, being comedy professionals, we argued for 15 minutes over exactly which card “worked” best in the gag…”3 of Clubs”…”Ace of Diamonds”…”8 of Hearts”…?).

The  whole routine centered around cruise- and nautical-jokes, so we conned — I mean, convinced Andrew to dress up in nothing but swim trunks…flippers…and a snorkel mask. The get-up alone was good for one big audience laugh as soon as he stepped out onstage. Then, unfortunately, his act began. Don’t get me wrong: they were good jokes, and Andrew did his best to ‘sell’ every one of them, but…

The first sign of trouble was Andrew’s would-be ‘big opener’ joke: “I don’t want to start a panic about the ship being in trouble…but I just looked out a porthole and saw Shelley Winters swimming by in a dress!” …Dead silence…Crickets…Dead crickets. I’m sure the audience was familiar with Shelly Winters (and probably Shelley’s parents & grandparents, too!); they probably weren’t familiar with the movie, “Poseidon Adventure“; or with the concept of “jokes.” (Or maybe with the “volume”-knob on their hearing aids?)

Anyway, there is nothing funnier to a comedy professional than the sight of another “bombing” onstage before a live audience…so, as more and more of Andrew’s gems died silently, the couple dozen of us MAD guys, naturally, broke into hysterical laughter…which I’m sure confused the audience even more…and probably reduced to absolute-ZERO the chances of any future jokes working!

Alas, Andrew lost the Talent Contest…but I’m sure that, from then on, he was viewed with a newfound respect around the MAD offices as they barked at him daily to do every little ‘go-fer’ job nobody else wanted to.

Coming in Part IIb: Andrew’s other “adventure” on this trip — The Cruise Ship Chapter of the longest-running, most-involved and, in my opinion, the best practical joke/prank in MAD history!

Tags: MAD topics // 1 Comment »

Recently, I was chatting with another MAD-Writer friend about the state of the magazine, and the likelihood of its continued existence, when I piped up with my favorite pet theory of the past few years: “Y’know, I’ll bet one of the few things saving it is, nobody at DC Comics wants to be known for the rest of time as ‘the guy who pulled the plug on MAD Magazine.’‘”

My friend’s completely serious reply: “Oh, no — they all HATE us! They’d like nothing better than to kill off MAD!”

Now, even I would’ve been inclined to think that goes too far. Whatever “squeeze” they’re currently putting on MAD — and, in case I haven’t mentioned it, they are! – I’ve always assumed it’s “just business” to them. Except for one recent DC Comics edict that’s struck me as extra-weird since I first heard of it, and which might be the one thing to convince me that the shit-sandwich being force-fed to MAD these days is more than “just business.”

I’m referring to their decision to move the MAD offices. Well, actually, to move and shrink the MAD offices. Not that far of a move; just one floor down in the same building at 1700 Broadway. From their previous offices, specially designed for MAD, taking up all the 5th floor…to approximately half that amount of space, on the 4th floor. Okay, that’s bad enough. But…think about it for a second: even if they had a completely legitimate need to “reclaim” some of MAD’s office space for non-MAD DC Comics activity, why not just have MAD “compress” their offices into half the space on the same floor they’ve already been occupying for over a decade. That way, there’d be less of a move; less disruption of work; and less “MAD-design decor” to have to re-do for new occupants. That would’ve been the “just business”-move. What they actually did seems more like “a move PLUS a ‘message!’” And probably NOT a message like “Gosh, we value and respect you guys!”

Tags: MAD topics // 3 Comments »

If you’ve been following Olympics coverage, you may have seen this story circulating recently, wherein Michael Phelps finally reveals his — and my — special diet which accounts for both our success: namely, consuming 12,000 calories a day.

We know, we know: it sounds like a lot! But, not to toot our own horns –  this is the diet that has helped Michael and I win more medals, combined, than anyone in Olympic history!

Surprisingly, the 12,000-calorie diet is not all that difficult to follow. In fact, Michael and I each have own peculiar version of it: he tends to pass up the Heineken and the Krispy Kreme donuts in favor of “enriched pasta” and “1,000 calories of sports drinks” at time. Me? I prefer the “sugar-loading.” Either way works. (That’s the beauty of the 12,000-calorie-a-day Diet – the answer to the question “What to eat?” is “anything” (and “everything!”).

One other little difference between Michael and I: he likes to burn off, say 9,000 or 10,000 of those calories, every day, with his swimming — which, if that’s what “works” for him, is perfectly okay. Myself, I like to concentrate more on my floating, which all the additional calories help me with immensely.

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