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Every four years, we elect a President; and every four years, we turn into a nation of Sore Losers & Sore Winners for weeks or months after the election.

Since it’s almost that time, how about if we all take the pledge…c’mon, raise your right hand and repeat after me…

If my candidate LOSES:

• I PLEDGE not to spend all my waking hours for the next several weeks threatening to move to Canada, or a militia compound in Montana…however, in the event that I can’t resist such moaning & groaning, I PLEDGE to do all my irritated friends & co-workers a big favor and actually MOVE!
• I PLEDGE not to rant and rail against entire states as if they were living, sentient beings whose “RED-ness” or “BLUE-ness” makes it reasonable for me to hate them.
• I PLEDGE to only start screaming “Vote Fraud!” and “Stolen Election!” if there IS something to support such claims besides my candidate losing.
• I PLEDGE to look on the bright side: at least my candidate will be able to sit on the sidelines saying “I told you so!” as the other candidate “crashes and burns” while in office!

If my candidate WINS…

• I PLEDGE to celebrate in moderation — as if I am aware of the fact that it’s likely to be months or years before it can definitively be said whether I, or anyone I know, actually “won” anything or not!
• I PLEDGE not to be that surprised, shocked, and depressed when, in spite of all the soaring campaign rhetoric I bought into, my candidate turns out to be…just a politician!
• I PLEDGE to humbly remember that, in 4 years time, I will be defending all the mistakes and stupid statements my candidate will have inevitably made as the incumbent!
• I PLEDGE to keep in mind that, with the extremely dire economic situation my candidate will now be expected to actually FIX…it’s a toss-up whether history will remember him as “the second F.D.R.” or “the second Herbert Hoover!”

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More about the Heritage Auction of the LAST pieces of original MAD art that I talked about in my last post: I must be getting Old-Timer’s Disease or something – because I had read years earlier, but forgotten, that Frank Jacobs, in the book “MAD – Cover to Cover,” referred to the very same original cover art that is among those now being auctioned off as “Soul of MAD“-covers, the early iconic Alfred E. Neuman covers which would “never be sold, no matter how high the offer.” Obviously something has happened between that line-in-the-sand declaration and now. Something that, oh, I’m guessing starts with the letters “DC“…as in “DC Comics, a division of soul-less media behemoth TIME-WARNER,” MAD’s bean-counting bosses these days.

I was reminded of the ‘We’ll NEVER sell these covers‘ quote by a commenter on MAD’s own message boards at madmag.com (Hey, I’m their most loyal reader!). But what floored me even more was the response to that comment by veteran MAD Writer Dick DeBartolo (who regularly comment-responds on the site):

Frank Jacobs was slightly mistaken in his wonderful book. Those covers were not the soul of MAD, but appendics [sic] of MAD. And due to a rupture, they must be removed. The MAD offices will still feature exact copies of the originals and you can be sure we will continue to pass them off as the true originals. But in the meantime you get to bid on covers that were the very soul of MAD! Furthermore, if you’re high bidder and win them, should you still feel bad, you could always donate them back to us!

Wow. Unless ‘ruptured appendix‘ is Dick’s code-phrase for what DC is doing to them generally, that whole thing seems like an extremely nonchalant and inappropriately “make-happy” comment, given the ominous circumstances. The only wisp of a hint of the possibility that they’re being involuntarily forced to sell off the MAD “treasures” (and that they’re not happy about it), is the last little bit about the high-bidders maybe donating the art back to the magazine.

So…if you’re looking for clues about the state of the magazine in their public utterances…you’re probably out of luck. My guess is, they’ll probably be trying to make it look like everything is swell, and their future’s so bright they have to wear shades….right up until the microsecond that DC Comics issues the press release that they’re shutting down MAD for good.

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Well, I’m not sure if this news falls into the category of “alarming for the near-term future of the magazine,” but MAD is selling at auction what they say is the LAST of the original art from their vaults. (And it must REALLY be the “last,” because they said the auction 2 years ago was the “last” stuff they had.)

They’re auctioning off mostly MAD covers from the late 50s and 60s — some of the classic ones that I loved as a kid, even more so after I became a regular writer for the magazine and started comparing them to new MAD covers as they appeared. Sometime in the 70s, the archetypal “Alfred E. Neuman-as-the-hot-new Movie or TV character“-cover took over; personally, I found that trend crass and pandering in a way that the old MAD covers definitely were not. Old MAD covers usually featured just Alfred and some comical demonstration of his imbecility, or maybe a surreal, M.C. Escher-like optical illusion, and basically said to the potential reader, “Take us or leave us, we don’t care — these are the kind of covers we like, dammit!”

I’ve always thought the “Alfred-morphing” covers were the lamest (conceptually, not artistically) — especially ones where there was nothing else “there” except the Alfred-substitution and maybe a simplistic turning-around of an actual phrase or saying — the most recent lame example being the “Yes, We Can’t!” sign held up by “Alfred-morphed-into-Barack Obama” on the cover of MAD #493. Yawwwwwn. (In fairness, though, I ought to disclose that the Alfred E. Obama cover made my teenage nephew laugh out loud.)

So, definitely check out the MAD Art at Heritage Auctions. There’s some really great stuff there — including a few I wouldn’t mind trying to snag for myself, that is, IF my personal-playthings budget were 1 or 2 orders of magnitude greater than it is! The pre-auction estimates have most of these covers going for $5,000-$10,000 each. But if you’re a filthy rich MAD nut who still has “buckage” to blow after the recent economic meltdown, go do some shopping! (Heck, you might even be helping save the magazine for an additional month or two!)

(BTW: One nice little “bonus” of the previous MAD Art auctions – literally –was that we writers actually got a little taste of the action, as well as the artists, if the art sold was based on ideas or scripts written by us. Last year, I received a $600 check for art sold at the 2006 Heritage Auction that was drawn for articles I wrote years ago! I have no idea whether they’re legally required to do that or not…but either way: Thanks, guys!)

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You KNOW you’re Really a MAD Writer when…you spend almost as much time trying to “game” the MAD editors as you do actually writing! Half the challenge of selling articles to them on a regular basis is anticipating what type of stuff they’re more likely to buy — before you actually waste time writing up stuff that they won’t. This task is made exponentially more difficult by the fact that MAD editors sometimes have a habit of saying one thing, but doing something else. Like, for example, periodically sending out memos to the writers that “we want new & different kinds of articles”…but continuing to buy and publish mostly the same old style of articles.

To me, the most glaring example of this “disconnect” involves the old MAD article formula, “You KNOW you’re a [blank] WHEN…” If you’re at all familiar with “classic MAD,” you KNOW they did this exact piece to death, over and over, all during the 60s, the 70s and into the 80s. Here’s just a partial list I swear I’m not making up:

• You Know You’re Really Getting Old When…
• You Know You’re Really Married When…
• You Know You’re Really a Parent When…
• You Know You’re Really Overweight When…
• You Know You’re Really A Nobody When…
• You Know You’re Really in Trouble When…
• You Know You’re Really on Your Own When…
• You Know You’re Really a Football Fan When…
• You Know You’re Really Grown Up When…
• You Know You’re Really Divorced When…
• You Know You’re Really a Pet Owner When…
• You Know He/She Is Not For You When…
• You Know You’re in a Second Marriage when…
• You Know Your Days Are Numbered When…
• You Know There’s Something Fishy When…
• You Know You’ve Really Got a Problem When…

It got so ridiculous that, in the mid-80s, even the (then) editors themselves realized they might be beating a dead premise, and they started specifically mentioning it in their Submissions Guidelines — as in ‘Don’t EVER send us ANY MORE ‘You Know You’re Really a [blank] When… pieces!!!’ And they dutifully kept on mentioning that in the writers guidelines for over 20 years…even as they kept on buying essentially the same articles!

See, what we discovered — and what became the worst-kept secret among MAD writers — is that even though the editors said they wouldn’t buy any more “You Know You’re a [blank] When’-articles…in point of fact, they DID, and would CONTINUE TO buy them — as long as you re-worded the offending You Know-title into something like:

• Warning Signs you’re a…
• Sure Signs you’re…
• Sure-fire Signs that you’re…
• Tip-Offs that you’re…
• Tell-tale Signs you’re a…

Other than the reworded title/template…they’re practically identical in format, style of gag, etc. to every “You Know You’re a [blank] When...”-article  from 20, 30, or 40 years ago! (Prove it to yourself: take any ‘reworded special’ from the last couple decades that has “Warning Signs,” “Tip-offs” or “Sure Signs” in the title; and change it back to “You Know You’re a [blank] When…” form. Did you have any problems?)

I’m not too proud to admit I sold them GOBS of articles like that over the years, as have lots of the other guys, including my friends Desmond Devlin and, especially, John Caldwell — who, even now, gets one published in roughly every other issue; he’s probably put a kid through college just on the $$ he’s made from these kind of articles alone! (But I have to admit, John does bring more than his share of laugh-out-loud jokes, and art, to this particular dead-horse format.)

So, there you have Reason #312 why MAD Hasn’t Changed (That Much): the editors wouldn’t stop forcing money down our throats for writing the same old stuff year after year! Hee hee. (My tongue is only halfway in my cheek — if they had actually bought more of the “new & different” material than the “old, safe & familiar” kind, we would have written and sent them MORE of the former. You can bet my Bank Account on it.)

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• Today on Wall Street, there are only 2 positions: “Cash”…and “Fetal”
• Q. What’s the capital of Iceland? A. About $3.50
• “I went to buy a toaster — they threw in a free Bank!”
• Q: In these busy market times, how can you get the attention of your broker? A: Say, “Hey, waiter!”
• Q. What do you call 12 investment bankers at the bottom of the ocean? A. A good start.
• Q. What’s the difference between an investment banker and a large pizza? A. A large pizza can feed a family of four.
• “This Financial Crisis is worse than a divorce. I’ve lost half my net worth and I still have a wife.”
• “Get my broker, Miss Jones.” “Yes sir. Stock, or Pawn?”
• Q. How do you get a broker down from a tree? A. Cut the rope.

[I can't take credit (or blame) for any of the above; the funniest thing in my life at the moment is the hilarious number that Chas. Schwab must've mistakenly put on my monthly statement next to "Current IRA value!" - MS]

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(Snichael Press Associated) - If you’re a lonely man who watched Thursday’s vice-presential candidate debate and asked yourself, “Is that woman winking at ME…repeatedly?” – the answer is a resounding “Yes!”

Faced with collapse in the polls, the McCain-Palin campaign is trying out a radical new vote-getting strategy: deliberately targeting a heretofore uncourted segment of the electorate: “Strange Men living alone who think women appearing on TV are sending coded love-messages or signals over the air to them, and them alone.” Ergo, Sarah Palin’s performance on Thursday night, which included not only 12 winks directly into the camera, but also: 23 suggestive lip-licks; 8 passionate nostril-flares; and 4 “come hither”-looks.

Campaign officials say it’s still too early to judge the success of the stalker-outreach effort, but point optimistically to “very promising” numbers they’ve been getting from florists, candy stores, and greeting card shops, reporting large jumps in sales-volume since the debate. “And that’s not even counting the weird guys buying lingerie or rope,” enthused an unnamed GOP source.

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True Story #1: During one of the 4 MAD Trips I went on (1987-93), a group of us were engaged in our favorite MAD Trip activity, sitting around drinking and talking – there was me; longtime writer Frank Jacobs; Jack Albert, MAD’s attorney for most of the Bill Gaines era; and several others. Somehow the topic of being sued by targets of satire came up, and Frank, who at this point had been writing for the magazine for about 30 years, proudly said, “Well, at least MAD has never been sued over something I wrote.”

To which Jack Albert countered, in all seriousness: “What makes you think we’ve never been sued over something of yours?”

Leaving Frank wearing the only look of total surprise I ever saw on his face. I left before he was able to pry out of Jack the full list of “legal encounters” that, thanks to Bill, he’d been completely insulated from — oblivious to — over the previous 3 decades.

True Story #2: (a story, by the way, that Lives in Infamy among the entire MAD creative community today!). A few years ago, a lawyer for MAD’s new parent company, DC Comics, happened to hear about a certain MAD article script, which had already been completely written and bought, and was in the pipeline for future publication. This lawyer had the article “killed” — not over an actual lawsuit or a pending lawsuit or even a letter threatening a lawsuit, but for the mere reason that they thought it “might” (MIGHT!) get MAD/DC Comics sued.  (!!!)

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• “The Outsourcers”
• “Pig Lipstick”
  
• “Hank Paulson & The Bailouts”
  
• “Panic at the DNC over Palin”
  
• “The New O.J. Jury”
  
• “The Deciders”
  
• “Lindsay Lohan’s Lesbian Lover”
  
• “In the Tank for Obama”
  
• “McCain’s Apparent Memory Lapse”
  
• “Bill O’Reilly’s YouTube Tantrum”
  
• “Hijinx at the VMAs”
  
• “Tainted Chinese Milk”
  
• “Karl Rove & The Swift-Boaters”
  
• “The Unvetted”
  
• “Gaffes of Biden”
  
• “Larry King is Losing It”
  
• “Undercover in the Restroom with George Michael”
  
• “Nancy Pelosi’s Latest Excuse”
  
• “Death Train for L.A. Commuter”
  
• “The Global Warming-deniers”
  
• “New Roommate on ‘The Hills’”
  
• “My 19th iPOD”
  
• “John Edwards’ Baby-Mama”
  
• “Meltdown on ‘The View’”
  
• “Low Youth-Voter Turnout”
  
• “Two Girls; One Cup”
  
• “The Community Organizers”
  
• “Sheryl Crow’s One Sheet of Toilet Paper”

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People often fling the epithet “out-of-touch Media Elites” at us in the entertainment/publishing world — well, I don’t know how “elite” I am, but I’ve definitely been out of touch with the economic “pain” of the everyday MAD buyer, over the last 25+ years of getting my copies free from the editorial offices. Now that I’m “MAD’s Most Ostracized Writer“ and have to buy my own issues — yikes! It’s really $4.99 a copy?!! Both MAD and MAD KIDS?!! Good Lord!

When I was a kid-MAD-reader back in the 1960s, for the longest time, a copy of the magazine cost exactly the same as one large dipped-cone at Dairy Queen, 35 cents. Which was well within the reach of any kid, even those with extra-stingy allowances. For just one less ice cream cone every month and a half, you could experience the semi-subversive pleasures of MAD Magazine! I don’t know what the DQ cone costs today, but I’m 100% positive (without even looking) that it’s nowhere near $4.99! (To look at it another way: inflation in general, measured by the Consumer Price Index, has gone up a little more than 500% since 1967, while the MAD price has gone up, uh-oh, 1,425% in the same time — and that’s WITH their accepting advertising the last several years!)

But wait: something else is going on besides just the price-gouging! (And I’m amazed I haven’t brought it up until now — this struck me as one of the more slimy DC Comics “initiatives” when I first heard of it; and one of the things the MAD editors themselves complained about — that is, before they succumbed to a case of The Stockholm Syndrome!) As the MAD guys told it, a few years ago, DC Comics decreed that there shall be fewer and fewer pages with wholly original writer & artist content in MAD; and more and more staff-written, “recycled-art” (or NO art) pieces. If you’ve ever wondered about that new waste-of-space regular feature called, “What the Heck is the Difference [between 2 slightly different versions of an old MAD cover]?“, that’s exactly what this is. So, too, with “The Darker Side of the Lighter Side,” which is just old Dave Berg spreads with new editor-written word-balloons, at about half the page-density of the originals. And pretty much anything else you see in MAD without both a writer and artist byline. When I last talked with any of the editors 6 months ago, they were being pressured from above to do even more of this!

You have to admit: from the perspective of a businessperson, this sort of “content-shorting” is absolute GENIUS; on the other hand, for MAD readers (not to mention MAD writers & artists)…it kinda SUCKS!

And, just think: if all of the above trends continue…according my calculations, by about the year 2016, a newsstand copy of MAD should cost $149.99 and have NO original content whatsoever!

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