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“GayDar” ["Gay"+"Radar"="GayDar"] is defined by Wikipedia as the intuitive ability to determine whether another person is Gay or Straight, relying on non-verbal and/or extra-sensory information. (Also, the handheld version used to be sold at The Sharper Image, before they went out of business…unless you don’t watch “The Office,” in which case you’re scratching your head right now and thinking what an idiot I am.)

If you yourself don’t happen to have GayDar…don’t feel bad: odds are, you probably have one of these other “GayDar-like” thingies inside you, untapped, just waiting for me to clue you in to their existence. You’re welcome.

• JayDar - the ability to correctly predict the punchline of a Jay Leno monolog joke while he’s telling it (possessed by 69.3% of Americans)
• FritoLayDar – ability to locate your roommate’s secret stash of munchies after smoking a bong full of Maui Wowee – no matter how well they hid them!
• eBayDar - ability to look at any piece of crap and instantly calculate what some bonehead would pay for it at online auction
• “Gate”-Dar - ability, of some political reporters, to sniff out “scandals” of little significance in the grand scheme, but which can fill their newspapers or newscasts for months, in lieu of, say, actual news
• EhhDar – ability to detect the presence of Canadians — BEFORE they have a chance to corner you and deliver their blistering half-hour tirade against George W. Bush (like you even voted for the guy!)
• JarJarDar - ability to discern, prior to spending wads of money, which movie characters’ merchandising tie-ins aren’t going to be worth diddly on the collectors market
• TayZondayDar - ability to know, in advance, which “stars” of viral videos on YouTube you need to remember the name of, and which you can safely let go in one ear and out the other
• ReallyFarDar – ability of spokespeople for NASA and JPL giving media interviews to sense which folksy metaphors or slang terms for large astronomical distances will resonate with particular audiences
• MaherDar – the ability of finding the precise “joke-point” within any given situation at which the offensiveness is at the maximum and the actual funniness is at the minimum. (also known as “ImusDar” – though not nearly as trippingly off the tongue to put it in boldface at the beginning of this)
• TinaFeyDar - ability to smell when a hot new show-biz personality is about to “turn,” and become overexposed
• DreDar - ability to tell bad hip hop from good hip hop (only theoretical; never shown conclusively to exist, in anyone)

Tags: Uncategorized by Mike_Snider
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Is anyone as creeped out by this commercial as I am? In case you haven’t seen it, I’m talking about this latest in a seemingly infinite series of ads for something called “Enzyte” – a supposed erectile-dysfunction remedy with a catch: it makes no claims whatsoever, doesn’t even use actual terms for the thing it may or may not be able to fix — instead just relying on bad erection-puns to telegraph the message to “needy” male viewers that, hey, this might be just the thing for that chronic lack of wood in their shorts.

(We laugh, but someone must be actually buying this stuff — the commercials for it have been on for years! Unless there’s some eccentric, single-minded billionaire like George Soros, pumping virtually unlimited amounts of his own money into keeping it going, like George with MoveOn.org.)

Anyway, this latest installment in the life of the recurring main character, the Formerly-Limp “Bob,” has him playing Santa at the office Xmas Party as the announcer says, with all the vocal subtlety of Benny Hill, that “this chubby Santa” now has “a sack full of pride” and the one “gift” that “every lady loves!” The camera shifts to the long line of women waiting for their turn with Santa, all leering and giggling like porn actresses playing innocent schoolgirls about to have their first sexual experience. Finally, one of them, with the biggest “Do me!”- look on her face, slinks seductively over and…gasp!...sits on Santa/Bob’s Enzyte-enhanced lap…and, presumably, his now-hard “candy cane.”

Where to start? In trying to puzzle my way through this strange ad, I naturally discarded the literal interpretation of the “story.” (How much sexual friction is it even possible to get through 1/8″ of red velvet? Plus which, the HR dept. of this company would be busy for the next 5 years with all the Sexual Harassment issues in this scene!) Which leaves the symbolic interpretations. But, c’mon, are there really any adult females (or males!) actually having sexual fantasies, or sexual thoughts of any kind, about Santa Claus?! Sure, there was that film “Bad Santa” a few years ago, where Lauren Graham could only “get her rocks off” with a guy in a Santa suit — but that was Coen Brothers World, not the non-bizarro one the rest of us inhabit.

So, since it’s likely that no “normal” person would be subliminally lit up by this this ad … it suddenly dawned on me: I know exactly what demographic it’s aimed at. I’m talking about Pedophile Mall Santas. (Oh, don’t look at me like that; you know they’re out there!). Pedophile Mall Santas who can no longer “get it up” over the prepubescent little Susie or Debbie (or Johnny or Todd) sitting on their lap!

Of course, I could be wrong. In case any lawyers are reading this.

On a side note, there’s one more aspect to this commercial I find disturbing: it seems to be airing far more heavily on Comedy Central than any other cable network — I saw it 3 times during one 30-minute show yesterday. Now, is that because the people at Enzyte just got a smoking deal on ad rates there…or are we, the Community of Comedy Consumers & Providers, being singled out as an especially target-rich pool of potential Enzyte customers? I’m not sure, but I think I feel insulted. Then again, you do have to admit they might be on to something; I mean, it is kinda difficult to have sex while you’re laughing. Even more difficult when you’re being laughed at. Or so I’ve heard.

Tags: Uncategorized by Mike_Snider
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As some of you may already know, the still-alive-(but-barely) Hillary Clinton for President campaign has been having a contest, open to all, to come up with new slogans for their T-shirts. I thought of entering the contest myself, since at least one of my 10 slogans below is a guaranteed winner, but just to show you all what a swell guy I am, I’m putting these out there for any of you to submit as your own, and reap the whirlwind of fame and fortune that will come with Hillary Campaign T-Shirt Authordom.

1. “Keep Futility Alive! Support Hillary”
2. “She really CAN control Bill, if she wants to”
3. “Hillary for Prez – the Masada of political campaigns”
4. “On to the Bitter End!”
5. “Hillary supporters: as stubborn & irrational as your ex-wife!”
6. “Free BJs for Superdelegates! Inquire with T-shirt wearer”
7. “Hillary: she’s a WAY better Liar than Obama!”
8. “Hillary NOW, Hillary FOREV – well, at least until next Tuesday!”
9. “She’ll drink YOUR damn candidate under the table!
10. “C’mon – you KNOW you’d LOVE another 8 years of ‘Monica-gates’

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That’s right: here I am, just one more lonely guy spitting into the veritable hurricane that is the modern Intertubes. As my header and About Me page say, I’ve been a writer for MAD Magazine since forever – though not as much lately. (Why not? Let’s just say the editors and I have “grown apart” recently…like an old married couple.) And, while I certainly don’t want this blog to be entirely about MAD, there’s no denying that there are some “interesting” things going on with the mag right now. As in the old Chinese curse, “May you live in interesting times!” I haven’t visited the New York editorial offices of MAD in a few years, but reports from more than one friend who has are downright dismal: “overworked”…”depressing atmosphere”… So, what brought the magazine to this sad state? Ah…stay tuned!

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