MAD Trips, Part IIa – 1991 Bermuda Cruise, or “The Trials of Andrew Schwartzberg”
Andrew Schwartzberg is a bright young guy, and friend of mine, who first came to MAD @ 1990 as an intern; was then hired on staff (I believe the first intern ever); and has continued on as a sometime-contributor to the magazine on a freelance basis. His first MAD trip was the cruise to Bermuda in 1991 — a trip that Andrew can now laugh about, after the passage of time, and much therapy…
The first of Andrew’s “trials” during the cruise involved the ship’s Talent Contest. We talked him into entering as a stand-up comic; we would all write his routine for him; he would be the smash hit of the evening and the Toast of Lido Deck for, oh, at least a day and a half. Why Andrew? Some of us thought he had a vaguely Woody Allen-ish look and delivery — plus he was the junior person there; he had to do it!
The morning of the talent show, about a dozen of us writers and editors gathered at a big table on the open-air deck and, in the space of a couple hours, wrote Andrew a killer 5-minute routine. (Certainly the cheapest professionally written comedy routine in the History of Show Biz., whether on land or at sea!) My favorite joke one of the editors came up with: “I was just playing Blackjack in the ship’s casino. I don’t want to say they’re dealing from the bottom of the deck, but I think I saw barnacles on my 7 of Spades!” (Of course, being comedy professionals, we argued for 15 minutes over exactly which card “worked” best in the gag…”3 of Clubs”…”Ace of Diamonds”…”8 of Hearts”…?).
The whole routine centered around cruise- and nautical-jokes, so we conned — I mean, convinced Andrew to dress up in nothing but swim trunks…flippers…and a snorkel mask. The get-up alone was good for one big audience laugh as soon as he stepped out onstage. Then, unfortunately, his act began. Don’t get me wrong: they were good jokes, and Andrew did his best to ‘sell’ every one of them, but…
The first sign of trouble was Andrew’s would-be ‘big opener’ joke: “I don’t want to start a panic about the ship being in trouble…but I just looked out a porthole and saw Shelley Winters swimming by in a dress!” …Dead silence…Crickets…Dead crickets. I’m sure the audience was familiar with Shelly Winters (and probably Shelley’s parents & grandparents, too!); they probably weren’t familiar with the movie, “Poseidon Adventure“; or with the concept of “jokes.” (Or maybe with the “volume”-knob on their hearing aids?)
Anyway, there is nothing funnier to a comedy professional than the sight of another “bombing” onstage before a live audience…so, as more and more of Andrew’s gems died silently, the couple dozen of us MAD guys, naturally, broke into hysterical laughter…which I’m sure confused the audience even more…and probably reduced to absolute-ZERO the chances of any future jokes working!
Alas, Andrew lost the Talent Contest…but I’m sure that, from then on, he was viewed with a newfound respect around the MAD offices as they barked at him daily to do every little ‘go-fer’ job nobody else wanted to.
Coming in Part IIb: Andrew’s other “adventure” on this trip — The Cruise Ship Chapter of the longest-running, most-involved and, in my opinion, the best practical joke/prank in MAD history!
LOL! Great story!