July 7, 2008. Washington, D.C. - (Snichael Press Associated) – The bi-partisan, blue-ribbon Presidential Commission tasked with addressing the problem of unwanted email solicitation unveiled its long-awaited grand solution on Monday: the creation of an all-new “.spam” internet domain, to be reserved exclusively for the senders (and willing receivers) of unsolicited advertisements and the like.
Under the plan, registration and usage of the new “.spam” domain would be strictly voluntary, since, according to the Republican majority report, “that has worked so well over the years in other areas of government oversight!” Once the voluntary spammers and spam-recipients had all migrated onto this separate domain, the theory goes, it would be easy for those of us who don’t want spam to simply “block” them. “I understand they have special computer programs especially made for that purpose,” said the commission’s technical expert.
Democrats on the commission, who were at first naturally reluctant to back any plan that did not include lots of heavy-handed government intervention, were ultimately convinced to support the proposal by impassioned pleas that they “resist the urge to stigmatize and criminalize ‘Spammer-Americans!’” Instead, they advocated spending the equivalent of $2,500 for every man, woman & child in the U.S. on “treatment and rehabilitation programs.”
Asked if the commission’s failure to put some teeth into its anti-spam proposal had anything to do with the fact that a sizeable portion of unwanted spam email is political in nature, chairman Rep. H. R. Connor replied, “Oop, there’s my car! I’ve got a vote to cast on the floor!” as he rushed away without another word.